….. HAHAHAHAAHA Awesoime Response
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,…
To Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II from the Citizens of the United States
While we are fully aware of our inability to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, you must come to understand that we are only 229 years old (according to when you finally recognized us as a country in 1783), compared to England, at around 1100. These are our teenage years, a time where we’re only finally beginning to understand the world around us, but we’re still stubborn in our own independence. To annex us back into England and force leaders upon us would only cause us to rebel further than we already have.
While we have to agree that the Senate and Congress should be disbanded (as they barely do anything as is), they are a part of our government, and you cannot state that your current government does any better in doing anything. Part of a people’s run government is it’s ability to work so hard at doing absolutely nothing.
To your other points:
1. Adding the extra letter ‘u’ into such words, we’ve come to believe, is nothing more than dry British humor. Because the monarch rules over ‘u’, but we want ‘u’ to feel special, so we’ll put ‘u’ in words to make it feel important. Henceforth, we shall not be putting ‘u’ into words, because ‘we’ are the United States. Also, the suffix ‘-ize’ is used because the poor letter ‘Z’, the last letter of the alphabet, is not used enough, and we have added it to the suffix so it will be used more. (To this I add the note: We’re also looking to use the suffix ‘-ixe’ soon, because ‘x’ has been neglected for far too long as well)
2. Bad kinds of talk are, like, the true mark of a teenager (see paragraph above about our age). To force such things upon us will never allow us to learn, you know? We have to, like, learn for, you know, ourselves or, like, we’ll just rebel and stuff. Also, the Microsoft spiel-chewer as a peace of crepe.
3. Dearest Queen, I know you may not understand the significance behind this holiday. Most of the time, our people will complain about the state of our country, even if they are living in the most pristine conditions. The 4th of July is a time where we are able to finally feel pride that we shoved our independence in Britain’s face and made them retreat back to their island and leave us be. Why you would want us to stop celebrating such a holiday makes us believe that you are not a big fan of backyard grilling.
4. We’ve been trying to get off our gun/lawyer/therapist addiction for the longest time. Believe us when we say it’s not easy. But clearing yourself of an addiction takes time, and to simply drop off of it would require more therapists, lawyers, and guns than we had when we originally started. Just a few more therapy sessions with our lawyers about our guns not loving us at night and we’ll be free of this problem, we swear!
5. Hey, part of being the adult is trusting your teenager with responsibilities! And sure, we’re being irresponsible with our guns, but part of growing up is making mistakes and learning from them. Besides, how are you going to take our guns away? By using more, bigger guns?
6. Roundabouts are frustrating to us, we get stuck in the middle and then we’re stuck going around in circles forever. And sure, studies have shown that they are far safer than our traditional intersections, but we like to live on the edge. As for the metric system, much like tastes in music, that may be ‘your measuring’, but we want to separate ourselves from the rest of the world and we want to be different! And believe us when we say, we already understand your humor (see point 1 above)
7….. I’ve got nothing. $10 a gallon is pretty bad.
8. This is all just our slang. Times change, and what may be ‘chips’ to you older 1100 year old folks might be different to us almost-230-year old folks. Just do us a favor and don’t try to adopt it yourself. That would instantly make it uncool, and we’d have to change it.
9. Our beer is an acquired taste, one that we ourselves can only understand, and to call it ‘Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine’ hurts our feelings. You don’t hear us calling your beer names, do you?
10. Oh, and like your American movie actors aren’t played as the bad guys in all the films Britain puts out (or the rest of the world for that matter). At least our British guy is given a backstory as to why he’s evil, and is not thrown into the generic ‘America is gun-toting evil’ that we’re always thrown into (where that even came from, I don’t know…). We do however, agree that only British people should do British accents. We are terrible at them. It was a sad attempt to avert the whole ‘British is evil’ thing because he was obviously fake British, but we’ll do better about not letting it happen again.
11. Russia already makes fun of how “pansy-ish” we are, why must you do the same? So we like to keep our players at least semi-functional so they’re not literally banging their heads against each other, and bleeding everywhere. It may not make us stronger, but most of them will still be standing by game end. Besides, we were always taught in school to use protection, so we figured we’d extend it to the sports ground as well!
12. We will agree with you on the ‘World Series’ thing, you are correct in stating that such a thing that does not include the rest of the world is quite silly. We will not stop our participation however, instead we will look to include the rest of the world so that we can in fact call it the ‘World Series’ properly. Perhaps England should make it’s own baseball team to take us on? Japan’s already got it’s own baseball teams, you know.
13. Lee Harvey Oswald.
14. You know how hard we treat our own tax people in this country? What do you suppose will happen to every tax collector that comes to our house demanding taxes due back from 1776 onwards? We’ll end up cutting his ears off with those vegetable peelers we got a license for, dumping a full 3.8 litres of nearly-frozen gnat urine on his body, then throwing him into a roundabout while rugby players tackle the hell out of him. Just for the sheer sake of irony.
15. Honestly, you wouldn’t need to force this upon us. Given how most Americans are, if you guaranteed that proper Tea time would make us skinny, most of us would adopt it in a heartbeat without force.
Remember England, America is your teenager. We learned from you, and continue to do so. And by trying to force things upon us, we’re only learning that we should be forcing things upon others as well. Perhaps you should try more persuasive measures in the future, rather than by force, and we’ll pick up on the habit.
Citizens of the United States of America
PS. We’re sorely disappointed at no mention of converting us to Celsius. How was that missed?